August 13th, 201801DALLAS, TX – Search and rescue operations are underway to locate anesthesiologist Kelly Doolittle in operating room (OR) 5 at Dallas Medical Center after an avalanche of neatly-pressed drapes tumbled on top of her shortly before a 10 AM case.
The remnants of Drape Mountain
“She was getting ready before a case when out of...
July 30th, 201801FB stock down to $176.26, FB blood pressure down to 65/32
MENLO PARK, CA – With its stock value plummeting precipitously in the past 48 hours, Facebook has been started on pressors with lactated ringers running wide open.
“The drop is significant and Facebook is showing signs of end-organ failure,” commented critical...
July 26th, 201800Hollywood, CA. – Emergency room secretary Lois Mare won the nightly ETOH pool at Topanga Memorial Hospital last night. Her winning guess of 433 was the closest to the actual level from the lab’s result of 442 for patient George Trifecta, 23, who was brought in by paramedics at 2:33 AM.
“Every night we all throw five...
June 26th, 201801 Given the continued emphasis on cost cutting, implementing effective measures, and streamlining services in healthcare, some cutting-edge emergency departments are moving from their usual psychiatric screeners to psychiatric screamers. This is the brainchild of Dr. Buster Loude, who had been hauled into his medical director’s...
June 11th, 201803 Dolores Umbridge, Corenelius Fudge, Percy Weasley- Administration- you operate on a sliding scale of likability and we aren’t sure if you’re evil, rigid, or caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Either way, things get difficult Gilderoy Lockhart- Anesthesiology– you’re great at what you do....
May 31st, 201800WASHINGTON – Officials from the Department of Health and Human Services Monday announced a joint operation with Departments of Homeland Security and the Federal Bureau of Investigation to crack down on illicit cardiac massage parlors.
The parlors, often staffed by moonlighting Emergency Room doctors and Trauma surgeons, purport to...
May 22nd, 201800Lubbock, TX – Finally fed up with all the bullying he was receiving from general surgeons, Dr. Froyd abandoned his post as Consultation-Liaison Psychiatrist at Lubbock General Hospital for a more lucrative career in the WWE, saying that he wanted to go somewhere where he would be “appreciated” for his...
May 13th, 201800 Markersburg, TN – Dr. Lois Siento thinks she has the key to improving relationships between primary teams and consultants. “It’s simple,” she explains. “We give consultant business. Consultants like to get cases from us that interest them and, if they’re surgeons, that need to go to...
May 6th, 201801CHICAGO, IL – Seeking new ways to remain controversial and constantly in the news, United Airlines has announced it is has replaced passenger seats with brand new seats that go all the way into Trendelenburg.
“Sorry, do you mind if I lean back and put my head in your lap? Thanks!”
“We realize that unless you...
April 26th, 201800Not pictured: Jackson’s restless legs
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing the “baseless and anonymous attacks on my character” as well as intractable abdominal cramps, lacrimation, and rhinorrhea, White House physician Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson has announced he is withdrawing from both his nomination and...
