Providence, RI – Healthcare providers are raving about a new haloperidol-based condiment that can be surreptitiously added to almost any hospital meal tray, allowing patients to be gratified and sedated simultaneously.
The appetizing creation from Psych-Yum Confections © comes in a variety of flavors, including Tangy Crack-Binge, Sumptuous Sundown, and Sour Cream Racist Rant. With an easy-to-spread texture that only requires a trembling finger to apply, plastic knives and sporks are no longer a life-threatening inconvenience to hospital staff. Patients who are ‘allergic’ to haloperidol won’t be left out of the fun either, as Zesty Zyprexa and Seroquellaise low calorie spreads are also available at a slight additional cost.
In a win for the administration, most patients are very pleased with the new menu item. “Ghhhhhhuuhghhh,” was the reply of serial patient Louis Lemieux when asked if he wanted a 5th sandwich, sluggishly chewing on the remnants of number four as a glistening tendril of saliva lazily swung from his chin.
Health-conscious psychotic or abusive patients needn’t worry, as those with a history of dystonic reactions and QTc invervals >500 will qualify for one free Benadryl muffin with magnesium nuggets for each visit. As of press time, requests for additional free samples are suspended due to unanticipated demand.
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