EL PASO, TX – “Fevers, fevers, everywhere I look, someone’s got a f**king fever!!” Dr. Ryan Keeley was heard muttering down a hallway at Las Palmas Medical Center. “People, for the love of God, can everyone f**king defervesce already? That’s all I ask! I’m just one ID doctor, damn it!”
High fevers, low-grade fevers, fevers of unknown origin, drug fever… If Keeley heard about one more fever, he was absolutely going to lose it.
“Hey, I have an idea,” Keeley screamed down on hospital ward for all to hear. “How about we apply the Tenth Law of the House of God? If you don’t take a temperature, you can’t find a fever.”
Keeley was getting desperate. He has entered orders for scheduled Tylenol into everyone’s chart to help mask any future fevers that might come along. Next he’s thinking about stealing all the thermometers. That or dropping a gigantic vanco/Zosyn bomb on top of the hospital.
“I just want one consult, one, that has nothing to do with an abnormally high body temperature, is that too much to ask?” Keeley said from his knees, begging to the skies above. “How about a good old-fashioned leukocytosis, just like in the olden days?”
In other news, dermatologist Johanna Lopez was having her own mental breakdown just a few floors above Keeley. “If someone calls me about another damn rash, I’m quitting! Done! I’m going to quit for good!”
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